The Perfect Spot

By Seth B.

Driving home from the bar at 2am, I turned onto my street and started to look for parking. Parking is normally pretty bad in my neighborhood. At 2am when you're half drunk and wanting nothing more than to pass out, it's a nightmare. Not seeing the miracle spot right in front, I began my usual route through the neighborhood hoping for something on the next couple blocks. Ten minutes later I'd finished my usual route empty handed and began the depressing process of driving in concentric circles further and further away from my apartment. God, I just want to fucking park! As my blood slowly came to a boil, I realized that the frustration I was experiencing was eerily similar to the frustration I'd felt about something else. When I passed what looked like a spot, only to realize that it was about a foot too short, I realized what it was. Looking for parking is like looking for someone to date. And as it is in most big cities, dating and parking can be a bitch. As I drove down street after street with no open spots it all began to fall into place. The secrets of parking and dating revealed themselves to me. Every person is a parking spot.

The taken spot: Women like to say that men are like parking spots. All the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped or too small. I think you could say the same thing about good women, except the too small part. When a good person becomes newly single they're like a good parking spot. They last about 2 minutes. If you're really serious about getting one, the surest way to go about it is to circle around the block like a vulture waiting for someone to pull out. Even then, you will often have the experience of seeing a spot open up only for it to be taken by the car in front of you (probably driven by your neighbor).

The almost spot: What a waste of curb! If only the cars around this spot hadn't taken up so much space! This spot is like those people who are only half available to date you, meaning they aren't really available at all. When the people around this spot parked they saw all that extra curb, and knowing they wanted it to be easy getting out, took up just enough extra to squeeze you out.The mirage spot: Like many people, this spot is good from far but far from good. From a distance it looks like you've found a spot, but when you get a closer look you realize why. Its kind of like the person you find attractive from across the room only for it to be ruined by going over and talking to them. The worst part about this spot is that after you realize its not a spot you have to wonder how many people have driven by thinking the same thing.

The illegal spot: The curb is red, but hey, you've had a few beers.. it's late.. and what are the chances of the fire-truck coming home anyway? The spot is lonely. It has needs and so do you. Even if you get a ticket you can afford it ... Parking in a reserved spot on the other hand is a different story. If you get caught your ass is getting towed and you deserve it. I don't care how many beers you had. That's no excuse.

The reserved spot: Basically, your car pays rent for this spot. In the city it can range anywhere from 50 to 200 dollars a month. This is the spot you long for on those long, lonely nights looking for parking; a spot that's always waiting at home for you. The parking equivalent of marriage, this spot can cost more than its worth, but if parking in your neighborhood is bad enough, when a choice spot opens up you gotta lock it down.

The valet spot: Gold digging whores. Only worth it if you've got so much money you can't be hassled with parking anymore.The scary spot: No wonder finding this spot was easy. You have to be out of your mind to park your car in this neighborhood. Slumming it for a little while is probably okay, but park here for long enough and you might lose more than your favorite CDs.

The perfect spot: It's right in front of your door. No walking for you! Halleluhya! Downside: If parking is bad enough in your neighborhood you now can't move your car. Every time you think about moving it to go out with your friends you cringe at the memory of all those late nights spent desperately cruising the streets for any spot that will end the horrible search. How could you give up that spot? So this is like finding the perfect girlfriend. Its kind of like having a reserved spot without having to pay all that money (marriage). Just know that eventually you'll have to move your car, and in two minutes, the spot will be gone.