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| Oh, fuck. It has been that long. |
To go or not to go? That is the question. Confused? That was a rhetorical question. Of course you're confused.
Get the answer with these simple steps and see if you should go to your upcoming High School (or college) Reunion.
First, work out your Base Score.
My Career Success : 1-10
How Good I Look : 1-10
I Enjoyed My High School Experience: 0-5
Multiply these 3 answers (Career Success) x (Good Lookin) x (Experience)
Now add or subtract the following Wildcards.
-3 each 500 miles away you are from Reunion location
+20 newlywed or a hot partner to show off
-20 recent painful divorce has you in a rut
+10 painful divorce rut that you hope to revenge-bang your way out of
+10 kids to escape, brag about, and a solid babysitter
+40 core group of close friends are attending
+80 still hopelessly in love with classmate who might be there
+200 you're an extrovert who still dreams nightly of performing emotional musical numbers naked in front of your Biology class
+20 there's a buddy who's just 'gotta see ya' and has promised 'drinks are on me' all night
-40 you secretly hate that buddy
+20 were part of an organized sport at school
-10 you consider being on the chess team a sport
-10 you were the equipment manager
+40 you were the equipment manager of a team of the opposite/desirable gender
+50 fully recovered from a recent successful surgery
+100 the surgery is cosmetic
+150 the surgery is breast augmentation (you're all-in with a solid pair)
+15 new tattoo
+20 you're here you're queer and you just want to cheer
-40 never graduated
-30 never got laid
-20 never had a girlfriend or boyfriend
+20 your current date/spouse is hotter than the person who dumped you
Scoring:
0... or less - You're only in this category if you live on another planet or answered 0 for your High School Experience. Even if you have a line of people all waiting to buy you drinks, Don't matter. Unless you are a hired killer and an old classmate is the target, let's face it. You ain't going.
1 - 50 - You're not that into it. Even urging from your social butterfly spouse or a night away from the kids won't do it. You need a big lottery win, the promise of a round of golf or spa the next day, guaranteed sex with the prom king or queen, or a remote chance to score the exact drug your addicted to for you to motivate enough to get there.
51 - 100 - You're on the fence. Search your heart. If you want to go, bump your looks up a point. Or ask for that promotion. Or urge your actual friends to go. You can do it. Live a little. Inflate that number. If you don't want to go, you're fine. Screw it and screw them. Besides, you'll probably gain 10 pounds and 6 new ear hairs by the time the date rolls around. Unless you have a sizzling hot date who insists that you find your high school flirtation have that kinky threesome in the locker room fantasy (that you often act out in your sleep) you're probably gonna just stay home lone that night, order some Chinese take out, and then pause the screen so you can rub one out to that sci-fi hottie on Game of Thrones. Then a Nyquil and valium cocktail for good measure. Huzzah you loser.
101 - 150 - You're decently into it. If airline tickets aren't that pricey, the meds you're taking seem to have you stable enough, and you've got a clean jacket (or new dress) and can scrounge a stain-free tie and a splash of faux confidence, you'll check it out for a few hours.
151 - 200 - You're so in. You're prime, confident and social, and you just have to show yourself off. You were dating seniors when you were a freshman. Or, you've got to go because you're so confused about reality, you've put huge stakes on your interactions at this event. Smiling tightly and, oh, so casually through conversations with your ancient crushes, friends, and enemies on this night will probably be the source of new disappointments, new vendettas, and new seething angers that will boil inside you straight though to old age. It's all in your own mind, but the consequences to your mental health will be completely real. And likely devastating. Unless you have a sizzling hot date who insists that you find your high school flirtation have that kinky threesome in the locker room fantasy come to life (that you often act out in your sleep) you're
201 + Of course you're going! You've already been in touch with the party planner so you can be more involved, you awesome socialite, you. Hey, bring your guitar because they'll probably insist that you to play a few songs or at least make the welcome toast. What could go wrong?*
If you're in this category, c'mon, you already know you're going. Have an escape story ready*. But mostly, because you're awesome. You have a good time wherever you go. Plus think of your old friends they've been thinking about you for a long time. Or at least you have.
